Tonguizer
Well, well… look what we have here!
This is a penis with a tongue at the base of it. His name is Penis Tonguizer. I hope you like looking at it as much as I do.
I’ve been having a hard day here and when this came across my desk, my whole day just brightened up.
So never doubt the healing powers of ridiculous sex toy design.
Bacon! Lube!
For many years we have discussed at ETB need for some flavored lube that isn’t quite so sweet, yet we have struggled to come up with WHAT that flavor would be. Lo and behold, I thought maybe the problem was solved with the arrival of Baconlube to the world.
Made from all non-meat ingredients, this water-based lube was originally designed as a joke, but so many people actually wanted it that the company produced real, actual bacon-flavored lube, so you know I had to try it.
But I’ll be 100% honest, when it arrived today I was kinda scared to even open the bottle. Yes, I’ve been a vegetarian for like 20 years, but the couple of times a year that I slip up, it is usually to taste some crisp bacon. So while I am far from an aficionado, I am for sure a bacon-lover. But still… would bacon-flavored lube be gross?
The answer? Yes and no. It actually smells kinda nasty. Right now it is sitting here on my desk open and when I get a waft of it, it isn’t like smelling bacon cooking on the stove. Not at all. But the taste? Actually not too bad! It has a slight sweetness to it and the smokey bacony flavor one would hope for. Kind of like bacon with syrup (yum!!). I’m saying I’m having it as an afternoon snack, but I was surprised how not gross it tasted.
Truth is, I’m not gonna get around to actually testing this is sack (you are welcome GF) but it stayed slippery during my rub-on-the-back-of-my-hand test so if you are really wanting some Baconlube, you may actually find it performs ok as well (that said, glycerin is the second ingredient, so it is not super vagina-friendly).
Now.. will someone please make Whiskey-flavored lube?
Wake up with a BANG
My dear friend Matie at Self Serve * in Albuquerque, MN alerted me to this crazy-ass wake up machine. Bascially a vibe you wear all night that wakes you up slowly with a buzz and tingle.
I AM NOT KIDDING!
Personally, I find this intriguing but for me there would be a few problems:
1- My severe aversion to wearing “knickers” to bed
2- I move around like a hockey player in my sleep so I am sure no matter what this would end up by my ankles or in some other non-effective place
3- I don’t need an alarm. I have a 20 month old one who wakes me up at 6:10 am each morning like clockwork.
That said… they are shipping to the US so in the interest of my attempt to be the foremost expert on all things vibrator.. I may just have to give it a spin..
(psst.. Self Serve, along with a bunch of other kick-ass sex shops are part of a group that I belong to call The Progressive Pleasure Club. If you like indie, feminist sex shops, you should check us out on Facebook!)
All photos from the manufacturer
Masque this.
Masque is a $4 dissolving strip that is designed to “Completely mask the taste of seman”. And I have a few things to say about it-
1- They have this picture on their website (above) to show you how to use the product. I really hope it is tongue-in-cheek and not there because they think people are so stupid that they will not know how to open a package and put a thing in their mouth. (Although it could be worse and they had to add it because people were so confused)
2- One of the ingredients listed is “Natural Taste-Masking Agents”. Um, WTF is that and do I really want that in my mouth?
3- $12 for a three-pack? REALLY? To quote my friend Garnet Joyce “Amazing what some people will charge for an every day product repackaged as a sex product”. (that said, the makers go a long way to argue that is not like any other product out there)
4- I am sure there are women out there who love to give a blowjob but don’t love the taste of seman. But did you know you can give an awesome blowjob without drinking in all that seaman?
5- I just keep thinking how I’d feel if my partner were about to go down on me and busted out a product sayong, “hang on a second honey, I have to completely mask the flavor of you because you taste disgusting”.
I mean, I get it, I do. Not everyone loves tasting every part of their partner, and I know that flavored lubes and body products can be fun and make tasting things more pleasant. But completly eliminating taste completely seems like overkill to me. I like to think the whole point of sex is sensation in all its forms -not the elimination of sensation.
But then again, I am just one angry dyke feminist who will probably go the rest of her life without having to face this challenge…
More Crazy Breasts!
OMG imagine my delight when I saw this today! Hands, breasts and pussy all in one with pubic hair!
Or wait… is that chest hair? Under-boob hair?
Trifecta is the name of this and I could not come up with a better one if I tried!
This might have to be my christmas present to myself.
Do Your Breasts Look Like This?
Yes, yes, the world of sex toys is full of giant shimmery purple penises, strangely -shaped blue vulvae and all manner of representations of body parts that do not match up with reality, but for some reason I am always struck particularly with Breast sex toys that take liberties with human anatomy.
Partially I think I am intrigued because they are always white-peopled colored and pretty realistic overall, but have these little tweaks that makes them “special” (and partially I think it is because I really like breasts). But I’ve never seen blue boobs, or sparkly boobs (I wish I did) and even the giant boobs are modeled after a particularly well-endowed porn start or another, so as a genre they are sort of unique in the sex toy world.
And as a gift to you, today I’d like to share some of my current favorite Breast Sex Toys:
The first on the left has a channel of bumps in the middle for a more stimulating titty fuck.
The one in the middle has a penetration hole that looks a little bit to me like a misplaced belly button
And the gem on the right is the total package! Boobs, vulva. vagina and a penis! I would not be surprised of the person who designed this thought they were making “the perfect woman”. Just think… you put your penis in her vagina and it pops out between her breasts! My how awesome.
(also, I think it really looks like a funny-lipped alien mask).
You’re welcome!
I’m pretty sure whoever designed this was on drugs
Have you seen an uglier sex toy ever?
This has “TONGS” for your labia (which bend but do not really stay bent the way they should) and a hard plastic controller that you strap to your waist that looks like it is poised to put pressure just where you do not want or need it.
Add to that the lack of any real power and a design that just makes me want to barf and you have one stupid sex toy.
The only redeeming thing about this is that they :
1- Use the proper term for Labia
2- Acknowledge that some women might enjoy having their Labia stimulated.
So there IS that.
Dildo Pogo Stick
Thanks to my friend Metis at Tantus* for reminding me of this fantastic waste of material!
I saw this at a trade show years ago and the item scared me at the time (they had very aggressive trade-show sales folk and really… it looks kinda scary, right?), but I forgot about it until Metis sent me a link to the one of the few places you can still see it. (It has been discontinued so it may be impossible to find it for sale. Try not to cry.)
Once called the Jack Hammer Johnson, this now seems to be going by the name Fantasy Glide. I did some looking around and this item did get a few good reviews from users, so maybe there is something I am missing (like the desire to have an ugly cheap dildo rammed into me in a pogo-stick like manner), but overall it seems like way too much equipment for what it is.
And as I may have mentioned before (or not, I can’t remember), most of the women I talk to are not looking for a sex toy that replicates constant, hard ramming. Of course, there are exceptions to this and many women like a good hard fuck, but when it comes to solo play time, my 10 years of experience working with sex toys tells me that this is something a was invented by someone who does not have a vagina. In fact, I’d be willing to bet $5 that the person who actually came up with this idea does not have the physiology to use it.**
Also… seriously, where are you gonna store a thing like this?
*Tantus is one of the few companies that makes NO screwy toys. They only make yummy, safe silicone toys and we sell many of them in my shop and on our site.
**OF course I think male-bodied people can make great toys for female parts and female-bodied folks can invent great toys for penises, but sometimes I think you can just look at toy and know that the person who came up with design never tried it on their bits. And yes, you could use this in your ass and everyone has one of those, but the marketing and such makes this clear that it was designed for vaginal use.
Luscious Legs: Every Woman’s Fantasy
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- Luscious Legs
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- Luscious Legs
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- The Whole Vibe
Ah, this gem is from about maybe 5 or 6 years ago… old enough that the pink color of the crap-ass jelly material is faded to just barely clear. It is a soft, very flexible vibe in the shape of a skinny lady’s gams, called Foot Fetish Luscious Legs Vibrator
And like lots of the foot-oriented things out there, I wonder if the toy designer even knows what a foot fetish is. In all my long years of talking to people about sex, no one has EVER asked for a vibe that looks like tiny feet, or even feet at all. And for that matter, no woman (who this is clearly aimed at) has mentioned her love of having feet all up in her*.
But note on the package that you can choose to have a “soothing” or a “sensual” massage. So at least this is very versatile!
So besides being a pretty lame vibe power & material-wise, this clearly fails in filling any need that anyone has.
* I am sure there are some women out there who do like feet in and on their whatnots… they just don’t call me looking for tiny fake feet to shove inside themselves.My nads hurt just writing about this
This device came out maybe five or so years ago and is an attachment for your vacuum that you use to… wait for it… stimulate your clitoris. Yes indeed! Just pop this hard plastic tube on the end of your household appliance that suctions up dirt and grime and suction up your clit for fun!
And I’ll be honest – is late and I’m alone right now with the vacuum cleaner sitting not four feet from me and as I grabbed this toy to write about it I thought.. “hmmmm maybe I should give it a whirl…” then I remembered two things:
#1- turning on the vacuum at 12am would wake up the rest of my sleeping household
# 2- I did not want this thing anywhere near my goodies.
I think we can all agree that for many people suction on their whatnots can feel great. It also can increase blood flow to the area, make it more sensitive, so I get the idea behind this “toy” – to a point. But do you really want to:
#1- Drag out the whole fricking vacuum when it is time to masturbate or get intimate with your partner?
#2- Then attach a hard plastic tube to your goodtime mary? Especially one that has less-than-super-smooth edges and is called “The Introducer?” (The advanced one is is called “The Seducer.”)
You don’t? Hm. Go figure.
Wait you DO want one? Then please.. go right ahead and buy one RIGHT NOW for only $59.95 plus $10 shipping. Do it… I dare you. (Seriously, get one and tell me if you like it!)
It is called Vortex Vibrations and while in the name of “science” I have tried all kinds of sketchy things, still, I am very wary of this doohickey. The website (which honestly, I am amazed is still active) has a lot of warnings including “A 1200 watt vacuum or above has been unpleasant to all testers.” (Um… do you know the wattage of your vac?) and seems a little anti-vibrator for my taste (“Unlike a vibrator or a massager which can cause irritation”), so I am taking a pass on giving this a run-though.
But all that said, I do honestly get the idea behind the Vortex, I just think the fact that it ATTACHES TO YOUR VACUUM is nuts. And stupid. And a little gross.
Searah's Museum of Screwy Sex Toys 